So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
