i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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