so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
