I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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