I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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