and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
