can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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