Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
