Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
