I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
