just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
