Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
