I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
