yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
