i was born a porn star she said
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
