i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
