So drunk its hurt
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
