if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
