I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
