My cat gives me a boner
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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