Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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