the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
