i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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