My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
