i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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