we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
