I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
