Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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