I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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