You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
