If i come over, it means nothing
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just had sex bonerless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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