I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
