just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Floor bacon is actually really good
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
