I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize