Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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