I wish my penis had an off switch
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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