I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
