we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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