Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
