alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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