please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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