well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
