Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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