You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
