were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
