You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
