I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
