oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
