Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're a waste of cheezeits
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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