it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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