does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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