my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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