My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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