see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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