I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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