I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize